The War on Asian Bird Flu:
How You Can Participate

Reported by Rod Longuestte
Leuters Splinternational News

A dramatization            

The World Health Organization recently warned that gazillions of people could become infected with the Asian Bird Flu anytime between next week and 2076, and whilst it (the Asian Bird Flu) originated in, of all places, Asia, it has already been found in turkey in Turkey. Next, it could be anywheres. It could be anywhere at anytime so everyone's on Code Yellow. Many nations have already begun airport security screenings and performing full cavity strip-searches of subway commuters' handbags to protect against the threat of bird migrations. Authorities are cautioning ordinary citizens who do not have the proper breeding to become authorities not to overreact to the threat, and to keep in mind that many birds are actually valuable contributers to society, though not enough so to ever ever become authorities.

Insurgent hen prepped for enhanced interrorgation, or high-tech oil-free fried-chicken system? Investigations continue.

Around the world steps are being taken. In Canada, chickens are being injected with Vicks Formula 44 in an effort to stop the terrorist flu from spreading. China recently announced they have even more chickens than people. In Washington DC the National Security Agency is diverting a network of neural supercomputers away from eavesdropping on people who can never ever ever become authorities to calculate exactly how many chickens that is (in China). Iran is re-opening their nuclear facilities, promising to build launchable microwave ovens that will nuke any chickens that even think about sneezing in the Middle East. War-torn Iraqi forces are being trained (as quickly as possible) to stomp, fling, and twist the necks off of chickens. Troubling allegations have been made that intelligence agencies are torturing birds held in captivity (see sidebar). NSA spokespook Col. Sanders denied the charges, insisting there is nothing cruel or unsual about deep-frying captives. "It's a recipe for success in the war on terror," he responded.

This outdoor recreation activity, known as Turkey Stuffing (Turkey Fisting, in layman's terms) is a damn good reason you prolly don't want to shake hands with bird handlers.

So who gives a rat's ass that all these birds are getting the flu? That's a good question on the surface, but the danger is that the virus that causes the flu (and let's not forget that it's an Asian virus), may mutate and become a flu capable of infecting humans. If this were to happen the flu would spread rapidly, quickly becoming a world-wide pandemic. Authorities are warning ordinary people to remain ordinary, and to continue going ordinarily about their ordinary lives, doing ordinary things, as they (the authorities) ready a plan to stockpile enough vaccine to innoculate anyone in a position to tell ordinary people what to do.

Exactly how the avian flu (from Asia mind you) will become capable of infecting humans is not clear, say authorities who are screwing Turkey without protection (see sidebar). Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment and nearly everybody was way okay with that. Meanwhile, President Bush.

Donald Rumsfeld was named Secretary of Asian Bird Flu today after shaking hands with VP "Dick" Cheney. In a characteristically rambling speech, Rumsfeld declared the American Bald Eagle an Indangerous Species.

Leaders in France and Germany are publically questioning the usefulness of choking chickens in spite of the U.S. President calling for a Global War on evil-stewers. They [the leaders of France and Germany] are quoted as saying stuff noone could understand because it wasn't in English.

Former U.S. Suckitary Madame Condolizard Rice gave a speech in Volvokastan, a powerless inconsequential place authorities can go to say stuff without being shouted down in a language that viewers watching at home (the U.S.) can understand. She said that ordinary people have to give up some rights if they expect their government to protect their authorities from catching this damn flu, and hinted that Americans (the ordinary ones) may be forced into workcamps to learn how to stomp and fling chickens.

The American Association of the Too Retardedly Challenged To Realize How Ordinary They Are (TAATRCTRHOTA) said, in response to radical left-wing liberals' incessant whining about giving up their rights to live in workcamps, "If you think you don't have anything to hide because you don't have anything, then you must not have anything to hide".

What can ordinary people do to protect their freedoms from the possible possibility that maybe this bird flu might spread to ordinary people at some point, perhaps in the future, that might possibly perhaps conceivabley maybe?

Do you want to look like this? Living in a workcamp, wearing yer toilet facilities on yer freekin head, afraid to walk the workcamp streets alone without carrying a flock of dead infected bald eagles for protection?

Or how about this? Assigned to a workcamp, forced to labor as a lobbyist for mobsters, threatening authorities with dead infected penguins to thwart the will of the ordinary people. Imagine how much you'd spend in bleach alone.

You might even end up with nothing left to impress people but a couple of dead pigeons down yer pants, looking all the world like some kinda stuffed turkey that even wanna-be-French Canadians don't want any parts of.

You need to take immediate action to proactively preempt the Bird Flu (which is Asian) from gaining a grip on your Homeland. Failing to do so would be a disaster that not even FEMA could help you out of in a reasonable amount of time. Then you'd be stuck - in a trailer - living like these examples.

Fortunately you CAN protect yourself and your loved ones and save humanity for further ordinariness by equpping your bird's cage with The Curex Bird Condom Dispenser!

Take a hard look at the facts. You don't know who's popping yer bird's yolks. Some wild duck (maybe Asian) could be sneakin in to yer house whilst yer at work - bangin yer bird till it can't freekin fly straight - fatally infecting Polly with sexually transmitted mutant Asian Bird Flu. Can you really risk holding yer bird during these troubled times? What can you do to protect yourself from your bird?

Finally there's the Curex Bird Condom Dispenser! It's a snap to install (the dispenser) and you can go about yer ordinary job without werrying all freekin day about fowl play resulting in unwanted bird pregnancies. It comes fully stocked with an assortment of one-size-fits-all sunflower seed oil lubricated condoms. Each condom is individually wrapped and dispensed from outside of the cage so yer bird won't crap all over them before use. This exclusive delivery system is guaranteed to cut the threat of Asian Bird Flu infection in half!

You'll receive 60 bird condoms with your initial order. Then, each month you'll receive a Curex Bird Condom Dispenser Refill Kit (60 condoms), automatically billed to your credit card and discretely delivered to your mailbox, labeled with a flourescent orange sticker reading "BIRD CONDOMS - DO NOT FOLD" so they won't get fucked up.

You may cancel your subscription at anytime by telling the mail carrier "Hey, I don't want these bird condoms, I'm just gonna start leaving my windows shut." But then, yer prolly gonna discover that the word's out on yer precious little Polly Putout, and you'll come home to find all yer windows busted out like in that Alfred Hitchcock movie. If you think dried-up birdshit is a bitch to clean up, just wait till yer confronted with pecker tracks all over yer freakin carpet.

Tammy Flusie is a protected species because she wears the Asian Bird Flu Respitory Mask For Birds!

Wait! There's still more!

If you order in the next five minutes we'll include The Asian Bird Flu Respitory Mask For Birds ABSOLUTELY FREE! This finely crafted one-size-fits-all mask protects against infected bird breath and facials and keeps birds from hawkin on each other. This patient-pending blockage system is guaranteed to cut the threat of Asian Bird Flu infection in half!

The Curex Bird Condom Dispenser cuts the threat of Asian Bird Flu in half! The Asian Bird Flu Respitory Mask For Birds cuts the threat of Asian Bird Flu in half! That's 100% protection from the Asian Bird Flu for your promiscuous bird! *[up to 60 sexual encounters per month]. (You may wish to supersize your order).

So stop being so freekin ordinary and order today!!!

* Data provided by International Hornithological Society